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Okay, I am going into nuts and bolts again since I have a few extra minutes to spare. :)

In terms of language and style, while your word choice is definitely improving, you should be careful with sentence structure, especially fragments and run-ons. Also make sure it is coherent instead of focusing too much on making it complex and fancy.

“I turned half way on two different steps, one knee bent awkwardly.” – too detailed. While details are nice, try to leave something to the imagination. If you find yourself explaining every angle of the posture and square of the ground you are doing it wrong (unless it has a significant meaning and matters to the plot).
A note for the two sentences following that. While they are nice and all, by themselves, the first doesn’t exactly flow into the second. I’d suggest you go over them again and in general make sure that in the same paragraph the sentences and actions “flow” into one another.

Another example would be this: “Her thin lips beamed a smile that went wide, wider than expected to my comment. If they went any wider, the cyan in her eyes would have vanished. The gesture made me feel a slight bit remorseful.”

The first sentence ties up great with the third, but the second interrupts the flow as while it flows with the first it “contradicts” the third. I don’t really know if I can explain this clearly, it’s just a feeling I get from the text, I could probably describe it in terms of grammar if I researched a bit but I don’t think that’s necessary. I do hope you get my point though.

“thinning my focus to her eyes” – “bringing my focus to her eyes,” or simply “focusing on her eyes,” or any other way in which you could go around the word “thinning.” Also always look at a sentence, if it can be said simpler, do so.

“but I was known for speaking my mind at times like this” – no. Just no. This is exposition about how a character is like. Never, ever, ever do that in first person unless it has a specific point, here it doesn’t. Let the reader make that conclusion instead by showing the character’s behaviour and interactions with other characters.

“Lightening the blow” it wasn’t exactly a blow… but I guess you can go with it. I’d just advise you to be careful with action and description match up, make sure they fit together and you don’t end up over or under emphasizing. If a planet explodes, it’s not simply a day of the life of a creature living on it. On the other hand if an ant crosses one’s path it is not the greatest obstacle one has faced (unless they have an ant phobia of course). Understand what I am getting at? While a character can exaggerate a situation in describing it, the narration following it should not (unless of course it’s to make a point as it was with my ant phobia remark).

“tone full of gloat” – word choice, specifically “gloat,” you can do better.

“Calmly opening the door with my hand slipping away” – with my hand slipping away? It’s not clear, I find myself unable imagine the action, all I can do is make educated guesses.

“His mucky greased hands retreated from station and shook; a rag from under his sleeve revealed itself.” – odd.

“began to approach” – approached, I see no reason for began when there is no action interrupting it.

Dialogue is definitely improving, keep up the good work.

“dashed his head” – tilted, shook, turned, never dashed.

Towards the ending the narrative becomes a tad hard to follow.

Overall good job. I don’t know if anyone has already pointed out but I thought I should: I don’t know your intention (as in what you want to do with it), but this far this story is not exactly self-contained. In the scope of a larger series it would fit nicely, but if you want to present it as it is, solo, chances are you are going to leave the reader with a lot of uncertainties and questions or plainly be unable to draw them in. Just something to have in mind, again I don’t know what you intend to do with it just make sure you either establish the world better or incorporate it into a series.
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Alphabeta97 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hey, Mary =)

Thanks for the critique! Good to see 4/5 stars!

I don't actually intend on continuing this story, for the fact that the style that I tried to take on, just ruined the storyline itself. You said it bang on at the end, "leave the reader with a lot of uncertainties and questions or plainly be unable to draw them in." <<< This.

I'm just not going to delete it, it's a side-story =D

Thanks for the critique any-who. For the benefit of others I'll correct when I can.

Thanks again!!
MaryEvans Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah but that is not because of the style. Actually I find it okay. It's just as I said the world of the story is not established, in a sense it depends on previous stories to define it.
It’s all up to you though.
Alphabeta97 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Indeed it is =) thanks again, Mary, always a help!
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